Julian #Assange: Diary of a Hidden Messiah

by Karl reMarks on December 17, 2012

To satisfy public curiosity about Julian Assange’s life inside the Ecuadorian embassy, we are publishing excerpts from his diary. We won’t comment on how we obtained these documents.

Day 27
I woke up with a stiff neck this morning. It comes from my habit of sleeping with my arms stretched perpendicular to me body and my neck head tilted to the side. Like Jesus. In his own way, Jesus was a kind of Julian Assange. He took information that was guarded in secret by the rabbis and opened it up to everyone.

Day 34
I think the cleaning lady has been reading my papers. What kind of person looks at another person’s private documents?

Day 53
Thousands of Arabs come to visit me to thank me for starting the Arab Spring. They are prevented by the police from coming close to the embassy, so they go to nearby Harrods to gather there. The establishment media pretends that they are there for shopping, but I know that they’re here to show their gratitude.

Day 60
I stepped out on the balcony today to deliver a speech. It was very dramatic; I wanted to say “a small step for a man, a huge leap for mankind” but forgot and instead said: “in the morning, the sun came up on a different world”. I think it’s a line from Kate Bush song but I don’t know what it means exactly.

Day 77
The leader of Hezbollah Hassan Nasrallah called me today. We stayed in touch since I interviewed him on my talk show. He and I have so much in common; we’re both very charismatic, live in hiding, and communicate with our millions of followers via video links.

Day 85
The mainstream media persists in trying to represent me as a conspiracy theorist. The two things I hate the most are conspiracy theorists and the giant lizards that rule the world with the CIA and the Freemasons.

Day 86
Of course the mainstream media is after me, I represent a danger to their dominance over news and opinions. That’s why we always worked with small, virtually unknown, media outlets like The Guardian, The New York Times, and Der Spiegel.

Day 92
Several members of Anonymous called today and we had a chat. We discussed how we hate generic mainstream culture and how people lose their individuality and character and everyone starts to look the same. I made them repeat after me ‘we are all individuals’ a few times and we felt alive.

How Klaus Kinski might look in the role of Julian Assange.

Day 110
Today Lady Gaga came to visit. It was exciting. She put her hands on my head and said, “Julian, you were born this way, don’t let them change you.” Then we sat down and chewed the fat for a while. She started talking about the revolution and sales of her perfume, so my mind drifted and I started nibbling on her dress absent-mindedly then realised it’s made of tofu and stopped.

Day 132
Ecuador said I could stay in the embassy for two centuries if necessary. Perhaps I am immortal after all.

Day 149
I hate IKEA.

Day 157
My new book came out today. I outline how we can defend against intrusion and surveillance. By hacking into people’s private computers.

Day 172
I decided to run for the senate in Australia. I’m also contemplating running for U.N. Secretary General, President of the European Union, and Emperor of Abyssinia.

Day 174
How I could have ended up in a dark room with only my computers for company, eating out of pizza boxes? What kind of life is this for a hacker?

(This is of course a parody, just in case you’re still wondering.)

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Arthur December 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

This is just nasty and juvenile personal denigration.


Ben Campbell December 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm

More importantly, it’s not funny. I vote that “Karl Remarks” be permanently banned for his crime against satire.


Aaron Aarons December 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm

And, if it were funny, would it be OK for self-styled leftists to target somebody who is under attack from the imperialists?


Pham Binh December 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Too many Marxist curmudgeons in The North Star’s comment sections. He did a good one on Robert Fisk:


Aaron Aarons December 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

What’s going to be the next ‘scoop’ on The North Star? Bradley Manning’s humorous diaries from his year or so in solitary confinement?


Clay Claiborne (@clayclai) December 17, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I agree. It just sounds like mindless sniping about JA, there are real critiques to be made but this doesn’t even touch on them, and neither will I at this time.

But all this could be forgiven if it was just funny.


southpaw December 22, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I got a couple of yucks out of it.


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