To satisfy public curiosity about Julian Assange’s life inside the Ecuadorian embassy, we are publishing excerpts from his diary. We won’t comment on how we obtained these documents.
I woke up with a stiff neck this morning. It comes from my habit of sleeping with my arms stretched perpendicular to me body and my neck head tilted to the side. Like Jesus. In his own way, Jesus was a kind of Julian Assange. He took information that was guarded in secret by the rabbis and opened it up to everyone.
I think the cleaning lady has been reading my papers. What kind of person looks at another person’s private documents?
Thousands of Arabs come to visit me to thank me for starting the Arab Spring. They are prevented by the police from coming close to the embassy, so they go to nearby Harrods to gather there. The establishment media pretends that they are there for shopping, but I know that they’re here to show their gratitude.
I stepped out on the balcony today to deliver a speech. It was very dramatic; I wanted to say “a small step for a man, a huge leap for mankind” but forgot and instead said: “in the morning, the sun came up on a different world”. I think it’s a line from Kate Bush song but I don’t know what it means exactly.
The leader of Hezbollah Hassan Nasrallah called me today. We stayed in touch since I interviewed him on my talk show. He and I have so much in common; we’re both very charismatic, live in hiding, and communicate with our millions of followers via video links.
The mainstream media persists in trying to represent me as a conspiracy theorist. The two things I hate the most are conspiracy theorists and the giant lizards that rule the world with the CIA and the Freemasons.
Of course the mainstream media is after me, I represent a danger to their dominance over news and opinions. That’s why we always worked with small, virtually unknown, media outlets like The Guardian, The New York Times, and Der Spiegel.
Several members of Anonymous called today and we had a chat. We discussed how we hate generic mainstream culture and how people lose their individuality and character and everyone starts to look the same. I made them repeat after me ‘we are all individuals’ a few times and we felt alive.
Today Lady Gaga came to visit. It was exciting. She put her hands on my head and said, “Julian, you were born this way, don’t let them change you.” Then we sat down and chewed the fat for a while. She started talking about the revolution and sales of her perfume, so my mind drifted and I started nibbling on her dress absent-mindedly then realised it’s made of tofu and stopped.
Ecuador said I could stay in the embassy for two centuries if necessary. Perhaps I am immortal after all.
I hate IKEA.
My new book came out today. I outline how we can defend against intrusion and surveillance. By hacking into people’s private computers.
I decided to run for the senate in Australia. I’m also contemplating running for U.N. Secretary General, President of the European Union, and Emperor of Abyssinia.
How I could have ended up in a dark room with only my computers for company, eating out of pizza boxes? What kind of life is this for a hacker?
(This is of course a parody, just in case you’re still wondering.)